“You’re okay with me being completely honest?” I asked the producer yesterday as I sat down to film a piece sharing practical advice for engaged couples.
“Yes, absolutely.” He replied.
I pressed further, just to make sure he knew what he was getting himself into. “So you’re good with me sharing that marriage isn’t all rainbows and roses? Because I’m not here to pretend that I have it figured out or that our marriage has been a walk in the park.”
The producer assured me that’s exactly why they’d asked me to participate in this project. They wanted my completely authentic and honest voice.
As I talked openly about our struggles and victories while the cameras rolled, I couldn’t help but reflect on the past almost 12 years of our marriage and how it’s looked so much different than I expected it would on our wedding day.
We were blessed to go into marriage with similar core values. We were blessed to have a strong foundation of character and legacy handed to us from our parents.
But core values, character, and legacy didn’t make us immune to marriage struggles. In fact, I think it made us even more surprised when they came… because this wasn’t part of “the plan.”
We’ve weathered a lot of storms together… the lean law school years, multiple job losses, postpartum depression, starting multiple businesses, infertility struggles, quitting multiple businesses, struggles with anxiety, and years of baggage we’d never dealt with that we both brought into marriage.
{Our wedding day…Oh and in case you were wondering, I wore my mom’s wedding dress!}
The last thing our marriage has been is a walk in the park. There have been many moments when I’ve wondered whether we’d make. In the midst of some of the darkest times, I’ve threatened to leave.
Our idealist notions of “happily ever after” quickly crashed and burned. Our carefully mapped out life plan didn’t pan out.
But despite all the setbacks and struggles, our marriage is alive and strong today. If anything, I feel like the setbacks and struggles have woven the threads of our marriage tighter together.
It’s been a lot of hard work. But it has been worth it.
As the interview came to a close, the producer asked one more question. “What is your best advice for engaged couples as they go into marriage?”
“Choose to find the good and praise it,” I said. This has been key in our marriage.
We both have much to learn, many areas to grow in, but the glue that holds our marriage together is our mutual commitment to focus on the good.
When we first got married, I spent a few years tearing Jesse down, picking out all the things he needed to change, and nagging him about areas where he needed to improve. This was only a recipe for disaster.
A few years into our marriage when I realized all my tactics were only producing tension, I began to really step back and examine my heart. Slowly, God started chipping away at my pride and my lack of grace.
In the process, I started choosing to praise and thank my husband for all the things he was doing right, instead of spending my time pointing out all the things he was doing wrong. I was amazed at how this changed how I viewed him!
I had been so busy trying to nit-pick and change Jesse that I had failed to notice all the amazing qualities he had! And as I started to notice and praise him for his wonderful qualities, his great qualities only seemed to grow.
Today, we still have our moments and struggles, I still can get frustrated over stupid things, but for the most part, I spend my time blown away by what a wonderful husband I have. {And he truly is! He’s always going out of his way to help and bless me — like him ironing my shirt this morning for me because I was running late for a breakfast meeting I had, or him getting flowers for me this week, or him taking over all the homeschooling right now while I’m finishing up my next book… I could go on and on!}
You can always find something that is irritating and frustrating about another person. And if you spend all your time mulling over how annoying those things are, you will fail to notice all the good things about another person.
But if you choose to become a noticer of the good and the praise-worthy, it can transform your perspective. I dare you to try it and see if you prove me wrong. 
For more marriage encouragement, read my post on 5 Keys to Have a Strong Marriage — Even During the Storms of Life.
Note: This post was written for couples who are in healthy relationships where both parties love each other and want to work on issues together and personally. If your spouse is abusive, please, please, please don't hide the abuse out of fear or let your spouse convince you it's your fault. Get help immediately.
