Last weekend, I went to Maryland with my friend Tam to support her as she spoke at the Whole Women Weekend Conference. When Tam posted about this on her Instagram account, comments popped up about what a wonderful and caring friend I was.
As I read the sweet and kind comments from Tam's followers, I kept thinking in the back up my mind, "But that's just what friends do…"
We support each other. We have each others' backs. We rearrange our schedules for each other. Tam has done this time and time again for me and I was thrilled to have the opportunity to get to be on the cheering lines for her this time!
The past few days, I've been reflecting on friendship and how this is an area I've learned a lot about and grown in during the past five years. And I've been thinking about what a blessing it is that I now have these kinds of relationships - the deep, authentic friendships that I craved and prayed for for so long.
As I've shared here before, for many years, I craved authentic and meaningful friendships with other women but struggled to develop anything other than more surface-y relationships.
As I've shared here before, I for a long time, I struggled to develop anything other than more surface-y friendships. And as time went on and I so longed for close friendships and it seemed like not many were happening, I began wondered if something was wrong with me, if I just wasn't connecting with the right people, or in the right circles.
It took me a long time to realize that these types of relationships are out there, but you have to look for them and work at them. They don't just happen; they have to be cultivated.
You have to be willing to open up, to make sacrifices, to go deep, to rearrange your schedule, to be vulnerable, and to keep reaching out. After years of praying for safe friendships and learning many lessons along the way, I'm so humbly grateful for the rich gifts of deep friendships in my life that I have with a number of beautiful women.
These relationships didn't just happen; they were cultivated, developed, and nurtured. I'm a work in progress when it comes to relationships, but I've grown and learned a lot in the last few years.
And because so many women have come to me in recent months sharing how lonely they are and how much they wish they could develop deeper relationships, I wanted to share three ways I'm learning to be a better friend.
{These are simple things and I'm barely scratching the surface when it comes to relationship-building in this post, but I hope that these might inspire you to think of ways to further develop relationships with women in your own life and circles!}
1. Show Up.
Sometimes it means sacrifice or rearranging schedules. Other times it may even mean getting less sleep. It might mean setting aside life for an hour or an afternoon to show up: to be with a friend, to call a friend, to drop everything to go sit with a friend who is struggling and just listen.
When you make a commitment to show up, that's when friendships blossom. With Tam, we have a commitment to see each other every Monday evening. No matter what is going on in our lives, unless we are out of town or sick or some other something that can't be changed, we show up at the same time every week as families to just be together. As a result, our friendship has flourished.
Showing up doesn't necessarily just mean being together in person. It could be showing up by texting a friend to ask how she's doing. It could be sending a card. It could be making a phone call. It could be sending a gift. It could be an offer to help. It could be dropping something on someone's front porch.
It will look different in different situations. But in every case, it will mean us being willing to open up ourselves - our time, our schedule, our gifts, our hearts - to show someone that we care about them.
2. Go First With Vulnerability.
Be the first to say "what's going on in your life?" and to share authentically. Sometimes we are fearful of opening up and letting others into the deep, raw, vulnerable places of our hearts and souls.
When you choose to go first with vulnerability, it makes the other person feel comfortable to do the same as a natural response.
Bravery and honesty in relationships are what breeds depth. When we say, "This hurts." Or, "This is hard." Or, "I'm struggling." Or, "Will you forgive me?"
3. Ask Great Questions and Then Listen.
My mom taught me this. She is the most amazing "question asker" in existence. She can have a conversation with pretty much anyone for hours because she knows how to ask great questions.
When you ask questions, it opens up the door for people to share with you because it shows you're interested. And the most important part is to listen after you ask the question. Wait for a response, and ask a follow-up question.
One thing I like to ask people when I meet them but know very little about them is to say, "Tell me about yourself." It's an open-ended question that usually provides enough springboard for me to ask follow-up questions and then really get to know someone.
If you struggle to know how to crack the door into deeper relationships, a few starter questions could be things like: "How are you really doing?", "What are you excited about right now?" "What is the hardest thing going on in your life?" or "What are you learning right now?" or "How can I pray for you?"
These questions are so much better than just saying "How was your day?" These kinds of questions give you a peek into someone's heart and pave the way for closer, authentic friendships.
How do you invest in your friendships? What suggestions or tips do you have for ways to be a better friend? Tell us in the comments.
