Week 19: A Peek Into This Past Week + What I’m Reading, Listening to, and Watching!

For many years, I longed to be invited to tables and to have deep community. But so often I felt I didn’t fit. I was too much or not enough… Anytime I was invited, I came to the table feeling like I was already not worthy. That maybe it was an ... ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌  View Online Here's what's new: Week 19: A Peek Into This Past Week + What I’m Reading, Listening to, and Watching! Week 19: A Peek Into This Past Week + What I’m Reading, Listening to, and Watching! For many years, I longed to be invited to tables and to have deep community. But so often I felt I didn’t fit. I was too much or not enough… Anytime I was invited, I came to the table feeling like I was already not worthy. That maybe it was an accident I got invited. Or that if the people really got to know me, they wouldn’t like me. So I held back. I censored myself. I tried to be who I thought people wanted me to be. And I never felt good enough. I second-guessed and psycho-analyzed my actions and words and reactions. And beat myself up when I felt like I probably wasn’t who someone wanted or hoped I would be. Here’s the thing I’ve learned: when we pretend to be someone we’re not in order to win love or approval, we miss the opportunity for people actually get to know and truly love the person that we are. Another hard-won truth: when we come into a room or sit at a table focusing on “do they like me?” or “do I belong here?”, we will be so in our own head that we probably will miss out on many opportunities to bless and encourage others. God has taken me on a journey this past decade of slowly letting go of my tightly-held need to chase after applause, approval, and accolades. It has been hard. Really hard. It’s meant letting go of trying to control my reputation and being okay with people not liking me. But you know what else?? It’s allowed me to start showing up in rooms and at tables and in relationships in a whole new way. I already know I’m approved by God so I can rest in that and not need to try to chase after it from others. This frees me up to just love others well and focus on how I can pour into them instead of constantly stressing about how I am perceived or whether I’m who they thought I would be. I’m letting more walls down. Trusting people more. Showing up more fully and having deeper community and relationship than I’ve ever experienced before. And I feel like each year I get a little braver, a little less guarded, and am able to love people even more freely. I can’t wait to see what this next decade holds! One of the unexpected gifts of the retreat last week was meeting Hannah Capps Photography — she and I discovered we have SO many unique similarities in our backgrounds and multiple mutual friends… it was like meeting your long lost bestie that you never knew. That person who cuts you off in traffic. That cashier who seemed grumpy. That co-worker who was extra irritable. The neighbor who reported your lawn to the HOA. You never know what they are going through or carrying. And how much they might desperately need extra kindness. Before you clap back or get frustrated, stop to remind yourself, “I don’t know what they are going through, but I’m going to choose kindness today.” There’s something really liberating in realizing we don’t have to respond in the same way we are treated. We can choose to diffuse anger with compassion and calmness. You never know what someone is walking through so let’s just choose kindness. I took this boy to school last week for the first time all year since his car is in the shop… told him we were going to get a picture together. And he was like, “nope.” His smirk in this photo made me laugh. I can still see his smirk in this pic. He turned 17 this past week and that just feels so old. I’m not sure why but it just has hit me that my boy is a man now. I think maybe because he was the baby of the family for so long that it feels really weird for him to be almost an adult!! As I looked through pictures from this past year, I noticed two themes: 1) Silas has grown so much this year! (See first and last pics for comparison – red uniform was early in the summer last year and the first pic is from recently). 2) Silas is always hanging out with his younger siblings and caring for them. This was a year of so much physical and spiritual growth. I’ve watched Silas weather some big challenges, really seek the Lord, and choose to respond to hard situations with such strong character. This was also the year Silas discovered his love for golf and it’s been fun to see him learn a new sport and become so passionate about it (so much so that he got a job at a golf course partly so he could earn free tee time every week!) Silas came to us in December saying he felt like God was nudging him to switch schools for a long list of reasons. That was a big surprise to us, but after much prayer and many discussions and so many confirmations from God, we agreed and have been actively praying and pursuing what God has for him next year. I’m so eager to see what God has in store as he steps into something new for his Junior year. Having a teen son has been so different than teen daughters, but I absolutely love it and am so ridiculously proud of the man Silas is becoming. His character, his work ethic, his cooking, watching him give his all on the court and the field, and seeing his genuine and deep love and care for his siblings. I am truly humbled and blessed to be his mom! I love you, Silas! Happy 17th birthday! Throwback pic — do you remember when our older three were this little?? We revised and updated my very popular 15 Chores for 4-Year-Olds post because our Micah is almost 4. And it has some fun pics on it like this one! I got to go to David’s class Thursday afternoon and oh man how it warmed my mama heart. He’s years behind everyone else in the class, and requires constant supervision and help. And yet, he is so loved there! During puzzle time, he decided he wanted to play with his emotional support toy that he brings to school pretty much every day because he’s so attached to it (it was a Christmas gift from Grandma & Grandpa) But during craft time, he actually held the crayon and glue stick some and helped me color and put some glue on!! It actually was the longest I’ve actually ever seen him hold an object like a glue stick without throwing it! So many might see David as a challenging or difficult child since he’s constantly on the move, he can get frustrated easily, he often has his own plan of what he wants to do and is pretty adamant about it, and he likes to throw things and rip things and knock things over. But his teachers and all the therapists and aids at his school only talk so highly of him and how much they love him. They are constantly telling me about funny things he’s doing and the progress he’s making. His teacher told me today that all the kindergarten teachers are asking to have him in their class next year. To have others truly see your child for the gift you know he is is one of the most heartwarming things as a mom. Read more about my experience and thoughts on visiting David’s class here. This week, we had a door slammed in our face – not literally but figuratively. And I immediately felt panic… This was something we’d been praying about and hoping for for one of our kids for the last few months. And in an instant, the thing we’d expected and prayed would be a yes was a clear, final no. I wish I could tell you I felt complete peace and just knew that I could trust God despite the unexpected no. But nope, I felt my heart start racing and my chest tighten and the panic rising… “What are we going to do??” I gasped inwardly. And then I thought, “I gotta figure something out.” So I went into mama bear fix it mode and started researching and trying to come up with Plan B, C, and D. But nothing was really materializing in my searching grasping for ideas – which made me feel more panicky. I went to Jesse in my anxious state and was like, “We have to figure something out. What are we going to do?” He calmly replies: “I think we’re just supposed to wait.” What?? Wait?? I don’t want to wait. I’m not patient like that! Jesse proceeded to say, “I think God is up to something that we just can’t see right now and we need to trust Him.” I’m so grateful to have a husband who helps to talk me off the ledge when I’m spinning out. And who reminds me of the truth when I need to hear – which I desperately did that day. After he said that, it hit me… I had prayed repeatedly for red lights and a closed door if this wasn’t God’s will for our child. And yet, when I got the answer to the very prayer I had prayed, I didn’t even recognize it and had let myself spiral into anxiety! “Okay, God” I said, “I’m going to trust that You are in this no. I’m going to choose to see it as your protection or re-direction for my child. Help me to rest in You in this.” I called our child to break the news… I thought they would be discouraged or stressed or upset by it (and that’s a big reason why I was initially feeling so much anxiety!) Instead, they completely surprised me by their response! They were super chill and felt very confident that if the door closed they could trust God in it! Talk about our kids teaching us what it looks like to trust God when we are struggling with doing it ourselves! There’s still not clear direction. Another door hasn’t opened. We don’t have a clear plan. But, I truly do feel more and more deeply confident that the God Who loves my child even more than I do is working behind the scenes. He has a plan. And He will reveal it to us when we need to know. As I shared last week, “He is always on time but rarely early.” So I trust Him – even when I can’t see what the future holds. As I texted some friends two days ago: “I’m actually kind of excited because I just get to wait and see what God has planned. And trust that His plans are so good and every day I can continue to preach that truth to myself and entrust my child and their future to a good, good God.” Books I Finished This Past Week Mists Over the Channel Islands — This was my first Sarah Sundin book to read, can you believe it? I really enjoy World War II historical fiction so I’m so excited to explore her other books as she has written a lot of WWII historical fiction, I’ve heard (any suggestions on the best ones to read?) Stay tuned because I’m interviewing her on Wednesday on Instagram! What I’m Watching I asked for one thing for Mother’s Day and that was to get to watch Remarkably Bright Creatures that is based upon one of my favorite novels. Jesse and the older kids ended up watching it with me (and Jesse got me my favorite California Club from Jason’s Deli) and it was such a perfect Mother’s Day. Note: the movie was good. The book is better (listen to it on audio if you can!), but I definitely recommend the movie, too! What I’m Listening To Project Hail Mary — This book came highly, highly recommended to me by two people who have great taste in books so I am listening to it… and I’m so intrigued by it. I’m a few hours in and I have absolutely no idea where it’s going or how it’s going to end up (no spoilers, please!). I’ve heard it’s best to listen to it not read it. The narration is very well done. Podcast Episode This Week: The Surprising Lessons I’m Learning from Training for a 10k Funnily enough, this episode of The Crystal Paine Show was originally supposed to be about my 22-hour getaway with Jesse and then naturally became much more an episode about running and how I have been training for a 10k! Listen in as Jesse and I share how a two-week break from the podcast turned into a reflection on just how full life has been lately!  Between juggling travel ball schedules and long practices with Jesse and Silas, I have also been dealing with a completely new challenge for myself: running longer distances than I ever thought I could! What began as a simple goal has turned into a deep learning experience around pacing, breathing, fueling, and even rethinking how I understand my own body, and I talk openly in this episode about how I’ve had to slow down, correct my breathing habits, and even explore things such as mouth taping after dealing with laryngitis and realizing how much my old habits were holding me back from my full potential. I share how, as I have trained, I have been so surprised by how much running has changed not just my fitness but also my mindset. I am really learning that endurance is just as mental as it is physical and that sometimes finishing a run is less about speed and more about choosing to keep going one small step at a time. I also share how tools such as the Runna app and Strava have helped me structure my training and actually understand what it means to train smart instead of just hard. It has been such a fascinating journey discovering firsthand how much strategy goes into something as simple as going for a run! (Use code CRYSTAL2 to try out the Runna app free for two weeks!) Beyond the physical side, I also reflect on what it means to take on something new in my forties and how running has unexpectedly opened up new ways of seeing my neighborhood, my routines, and even my own limits. From exploring unfamiliar streets to learning how to manage discomfort, this journey has become about more than just race day. It’s about growth, curiosity, and learning to trust myself in the process. Jesse and I also discuss how this experience connects to bigger life themes such as stepping into new and even initially-uncomfortable challenges, embracing uncertainty, and letting our kids see us do hard things. I hope that you enjoy this episode! Click here to listen to this episode. In Case You Missed It – Links From This Week 15 Chore Ideas for 4-Year-Olds — I get it… sometimes letting preschoolers help takes more time and makes more mess. But I can promise you that it’s totally worth the extra patience because you’ll reap the rewards later. Read more about how to involve young kids in chores plus 15 chore ideas that are perfect for this age! Mexican Lasagna ($10 Family Dinner Idea) — If your family loves tacos, cheesy casseroles, and eating on a budget, this Mexican Lasagna recipe is one you’ll want to save! My Completely Honest Thoughts on Dollar Shave Club — I’ve been using Dollar Shave Club for years and think it’s a really great way to save on razors, especially if you don’t want to mess with in-store couponing. Check out my honest review and all the details in this post.       Latest finds on Pinterest Want to save more every time you shop at Target? 🎯💰 This guide breaks down how Target Circle works, how to stack deals and rewards, and how to use it strategically in-store, online, or with Drive Up. A simple (and free!) way to stretch your family’s budget on groceries, clothes, and everyday essentials. Love reading but not the cost? Discover proven ways to get free books, audiobooks, and ebooks -- without stretching your budget. The best devotionals and Christian books for teens. These faith-building books help teens grow spiritually, explore identity in Christ, and navigate anxiety, purpose, and life’s big questions. 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